Friday, August 18, 2017

Missing Nostradamus prophecies rediscovered (humor--not to be taken seriously)

When the seventh Century (a collection of one hundred prophecies) of Michel de Nostredame, better known as Nostradamus, was published, only the first forty-two quatrains were published. The remaining fifty-two prophecies were lost. Exactly what happened to the missing fifty-two has been a question ever since. But like all things occult, eventually the world's greatest occultist, the Great Gherkin, revealed that he had them.

"Hidden for centuries, the deepest secrets of Nostradamus are finally revealed. Exclusively given to me by the guardians of humanity, the Secret Chiefs have authorized me to reveal the missing prophecies for the first time."

"Nostradamus was the greatest seer of all time, and I am humbled to reveal what he had predicted centuries ago about the history of the United States. For instance, the drama of the Civil War was predicted by Nostradamus, as well as the hardship that our beloved President Earl Midas has been suffering. The Deep State, Fake News, and Antifa beware! Nostradamus predicted that our courageous President will defeat his enemies with my help. Give up your black magic and join the winning side!"

Translated from the Old French:


Cylons cause righteous rebellion
Northern hordes, fields burning
Unshod soldiers cause horrible defeat
Silver House Prince assassinated.

"From this quatrain, we learn that the Confederate South was the righteous party in the American Civil War. Cylons in Greek history were slaves who wrongfully rebelled against their wiser Greek masters. In this quatrain, we read of the horrible tactic used by the criminal North, of burning fields to rob the South of their wealth. Furthermore, we read here of how the South was defeated when General Robert E. Lee, the great Southern humanitarian, tried to find shoes and boots for his men. The last line refers to the assassination to that traitor of humanity, Abraham Lincoln--may wild beasts piss on his grave."


Brother against brother unhealed
Cylons troublesome equality demanded
Marble knights remembrance confines
Secret judges pale robed and righteous

"Here we hear from Nostradamus about his vision for the defeated South, its wounds unhealed due to the interference of the North. Cylons demand equal rights under law, despite the fact that they are subhuman. In response to the North's imposing of evil laws on the South, secret judges organized and placed powerful magical protections around the South, to remind the former soldiers of their righteous, and to help confine the evil Cylons to their proper place in society."


Marble knights scattered and defaced
Cleo rewritten, blame wrongfully placed
Golden Prince salutes hooked cross
Armageddon unleashed, thoughts battling

"Here we read of the unlawful and unethical removal of Southern history, as well as the South's protections from the evil sorcerers who have controlled the North since before the Civil War. Removing the monuments to the great Southern fighting man rewrites history, and tries to claim that the North was the righteous party. Our beloved President-for-Life is seen by the great prophet saluting the righteous defenders of the flower of the South. Those who seek to rewrite history need to remember that we are willing to unleash Armageddon to remain free from the Thought Police."


Golden Prince besieghed mightily
Vulcan and Athena opposing, pawns
Bribes, spies, traitors, revolutionaries
Surrounding by thirteen armies

"Here we read of the evil forces trying to prevent our beloved President from accomplishing his will to make America in the image of his followers. There are two sides here, opposed to one another, one righteous, one evil--the honest working man represented by Vulcan, the factory worker of the gods, and the evil Thought Police represented by the whore demoness Athena, evil patron of academic sorcerers and Social Justice Warriors. The final line of thirteen armies sounds worse than the reality, for only thirteen weak covens oppose the grand plan that we voted our beloved President to enact. They will be crushed as another quatrain reveals."


False chroniclers arrested, mines exploded
Golden Prince victorious, alive forever
Renowned Adept at his right hand
Traitorous witches burned in Silver Garden 

"Here the mightiest and most accurate prophet in the history of humankind reveals the victory of President Earl Midas over his enemies. The Fake News, their puppets, the insipid journalists, who ride the short bus to work, and well as the Deep State, their puppet masters, are destroyed. President Midas, a great alchemist will drink of the elixir of life, the creation of which has been entrusted to me by the Secret Chiefs, and will live forever, bringing our country into a new Golden Age. And I will be the sword by his side, helping to destroy those who seek to bind him and prevent him from remaking the country, nay, the world, in the righteous image planned out by the secret guardians of humanity. Those evil witches who acted against him will be tried and convicted, then burned in the front garden of the White House. Come join our righteous cause, help us protect President Earl Midas, and restore humanity to its proper place in the universe."

Mugshots of llamas--victims of black magicians poisoning your minds and rewriting history.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Do not share this photo (is it wrong to shame Nazis by sharing their newsworthy pictures)

Whatever you do, have a heart and do not share this picture, no matter how tempting it is.
And do not place it above the fold while writing about it.
I do not know a lot about Peter Cvjetanovic, outside of the fact that he is upset that a photo of him at a white national rally has gone viral. The one thing that I do know for sure is that he is a dumbass. My proof that he is a dumbass? He got photographed at a white national rally!

The same can be said of everyone who was ever photographed at a white national rally on the side of the fence that seems to be a little pro-Nazi, you are a dumbass (outside of the leadership, who I assume are making money selling white national merchandise and therefore, want their photos to go viral).

Maybe Peter Cvetanovic did not have a father to teach him not to be photographed doing stuff you do not want connected with yourself. Maybe Peter Cvetanovic did not have teachers who would ask, "Do you really want that on your permanent record?" Maybe Peter Cvetanovic did not receive the memo that we are now living in the age of Twitter and Facebook, a world of retweets and shares, where your identity can be learned within an hour if you are dumbass enough to be photographed doing something that other people are going to be upset about. Maybe Peter Cvetanovic was asleep the day that the history class covered the wearing of masks when you are engaged in stuff that will make you look like a murderous bigoted f***head when historians get around to writing history.

Or maybe Peter Cvetanovic is proud that he is a f***ing Nazi, and forgot that most people are not. Or what we like to call--being a dumbass.

Personally, I love the whole "It is wrong to try to get Nazis fired from their burger-flipping jobs." You do realize that we live in a world where if a fast food employee spits in a customer's burger and tweets about it, they are DOOMED to be fired. Do you really want a Nazi touching your food?

(As an experiment, I encourage pro-Nazi restaurant owners to openly admit that they are white nationalists--let's see if your customers want Nazis to have businesses in their neighborhoods.)

In the fifties, it was ok to get people fired for being communists. In the thirties and forties, in one country (Nazi Germany), it was ok to kill Jews and other minorities, as well as political rivals. Oh wait, two countries did that (let's not forgot Communist Russia). In the Reconstruction, some felt it was ok to enact laws to keep minorities in their proper places, and remind them that former slave owners were still controlling the local government (why do you think there are all those glorious Confederation war memorials? They serve a purpose to remind minorities that they are living in a world where they were considered property and not human beings). And let's not forget the torture and conviction of heretics during the long dark history of Christianity.

History shows us time and again that bad things happen when you are a member of a group that other people do not like.

And the ultimate goal of white nationalists? Oh yeah, to be able to persecute people that they don't like!

Oh, they claim to be patriots. I imagine that if Tweeter and Facebook existed in the days of the Founding Fathers that the British would have been tweeting, "Does anyone know this person standing beneath the Liberty Tree?" and that the Americans would have been on Facebook saying, "Does anyone know this person giving aid and comfort to the British?"

And what does the study of the American Revolution tell us? Oh yes, cover up your face and identity when doing things that can turn around and bite you in the ass. Proof that the Founding Fathers were not dumbasses? Oh yeah, there is a high number of pen-names being used in the Federalist Papers. And no one asked for the evidence of their political beliefs not to be shared.

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Sunday, August 13, 2017

Number One with a bullet

It was the greatest day of his entire life, Minotaur Jones thought as he watched the news. His views was going though the roof; merchandise was flying off the shelves of his online store; and his predictions were coming true--the Crusade to Wash Evil Out of America had begin.

Or at least, it would begin as soon as the Presidential Official Real News Network confirmed what he already knew--that evil Black Mexican Muslim Socialist Liberal Lizards had enlisted evil Jewish Witches to destroy America--let the cleansing of America begin. Given the number of deaths, President Earl Midas would finally have no choice, but to utter those long awaited words, "We must purge all non-whites and non-Christians from the United States of America."

It was quite simply glorious.

Minotaur wondered if it was too early to summon up his militia, the Bullet-Proof Wizards of the Pure Bloods. Surely, the President was going to need all able bodied men and women to pick up arms and drive the impure out of the country. Looking at the most recent comments, Minotaur smiled--there was no need to issue a summons; his viewers, his noble and pure followers, were already talking about assembling.

It was quite simply glorious.

Minotaur imagined the President pinning the medal of Greatest American Ever on his chest, after a successful campaign to drive the unbelievers and corrupt from their fair lands. And his militia would suffer no losses; after all, they had the bestest magicks and were bullet-proof. Everyone would have to acknowledge that he was the greatest Adept that the world had ever seen, greater than even the son of God (who could not be the greatest simply because his mother had been Jewish). It was going to be glorious.

Sure, it was a shame that people lost their lives. Well, it was a shame that true believers and those of pure blood had lost their lives. It was always a shame to lose those who supported his ideas and who represented the ideal humanity, humanity as God intended it to be before the reptilian aliens descended on the Garden of Eden and tempted Eve with their impure dark flesh.

But as for any non-white, non-Christian lives lost, well, they were all going to have to be purged from the human race anyways. The sooner they were eliminated, the sooner that almighty God could descend on consecrate humanity to embark on their next great adventure.

First, the United States of America needed to be restored to the original holy vision that the Founding Fathers had for it--an all white, all Christian nation. Then the United States would have to liberate the other countries of the world from their non-white, non-Christian alien lizard supported governments, and would have to purify all the alien influences lurking in the colored skins and false religions of the world. Then God would descend, bless humanity, and humanity would raise up into the stars carrying the crusade to the home worlds of the corrupting lizards, liberating the universe from their evil influence.

And he, Minotaur Jones would be on the front lines of the whole glorious crusade. He would be a six star Admiral-General, the leader of righteous humanity, leading his army of star marines (his militia would be officially made part of Earth Defense by the immortal President of Earth, Earl Midas); he would lead the charge as his bullet-proof wizards across the universe making it into the perfected image that God originally intended. It was going to be glorious.

"Oh goody," Minotaur Jones exclaimed as the announcer of the Presidential Official Real News Network announced that they were about to replay the most glorious moment in human history. He better hurry and microwave his popcorn, and pour himself a tall glass of American whiskey before the replay started--he wanted to commit this glorious moment in all its splendor to memory.

This NovelRama project is not funny at all--I thought that it was supposed to be a satire.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Some would totally delay 2020 election if Trump wanted to (because illegal voters have wrecked the system)

In a new poll, half of Republicans say they would support postponing the 2020 election if Trump proposed it---and here is my response to that idea...

As many people know, I make jokes about Trump followers being willing to make Trump President-for-Life. Please note that I consider such comments by me as jokes, not predictions.

But consider the following, the willingness to delay an election until Trump can fix the voting system...something that can't be done--because it is a non-existent problem (the number of illegal voters is too low to have made a difference--proof? Trump still won the election though the college system).

Such a move, if made, would make him President-for-Life, because well, if you think the problem would be fixed--ever--ever--then you don't know Trump and what strong arm governments do.

There is a good reason to have a Presidential election every four years--the instance you are willing to throw that out, well, you have missed something important about how the Constitution was set up to try to avoid having a tyrant elected and enthroned for life. Not that I am saying that Trump is a tyrant....but once you open that door, it is a slippery slope, and only a matter of time before you get someone willing to use strong arm politics to become President-for-Life.

On an unrelated note--I love this chicken!!!

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

President Midas greatest moment

It was the absolute worst day of his presidency, President Earl Midas thought to himself as he watched the unfolding drama playing on the news. Everyday was the worst. While he could not imagine how tomorrow could be worse, he knew it would be. It was the story of his entire presidency--each day worse than the day before.

He was getting far too old for this. For god's sake, he was an hundred and nineteen. Or was he seventy? Or thirty? He was so old that he could not remember how old he was.

And there was no end in sight for his presidency. He was the most popular President in the history of the United States of America. His supporters were the most loyal, and their numbers increased all the time. At the beginning of his presidency, there was hope that it would end. But then he got re-elected to a second term. There was still hope for him--then his followers repealed the twentieth-second amendment, the quickest change to the Constitution in the history of America, and he was elected for a third term, and then another...and now, it felt like he had been in office forever. Quite simply, he was now President-for-life. Sure, every four years, someone ran to oppose him, but his supporters constantly reelected him--his opposition never got enough votes to weaken his hold on the presidency.

His hold, he thought, more like his supporter's hold. He hadn't even been sworn into office when he realized that the office was the worst possible job in the entire world. But his supporters did not care, all they cared about was remaking the country in their own image, and he was their tool for doing exactly that. True Americans, they called themselves. More like true nagging citizens, he thought.

True nagging citizens--not to be confused with devoted nagging citizens or real nagging citizens. And nothing like independent nagging citizens, or caring nagging citizens. And completely different from the never zealous nagging citizens or the beautiful powerful nagging citizens. And nothing in common with the liberating nagging citizens or the galactic nagging citizens, or even the sympathetic nagging citizens. And definitely not at all like the never voting nagging citizen, who still thought that their opinions and desires should be addressed by the government, and the undeserving nagging citizens who sucked up government resources, and the undefined nagging citizens who made every freaking decision into a randomized outrage. And absolutely definitely not anything at all like the illegal and undocumented non-citizens, who not only nagged but also somehow managed to vote every freaking election, no matter how many of them were deported from the country.

To keep things straight, President Earl Midas often thought of them as the animals that the illegal political cartoonists drew them as. His true Americans with their symbol of the majestic lemming against the horde of unholy unicorns, cowardly lions, flying monkeys, groping octopuses, colorful and deadly poisonous jellyfish, brave panthers, Frankenstein monsters, angry bowls of petunias, slimy hydras, Cheshire cats, vampiric mosquitoes, insidious ink-blobs, carpenter ants, and electrifying will-o-wisps. He wasn't quite sure how his supporters overcame all the assembled opposition every freaking election, but they did.

And the true nagging citizens were all waiting for him to chirp about the horror unfolding on the television. He could not remain silent; he could not wait to find out what was really going on. No, he had to condemn someone, setting the angry mob against some villain, because his supporters demanded this from their President. He looked at the cell phone in his hand, and thought about flushing it down the toilet before going to his desk and signing the letter saying that he had enough and just wanted to go home to the trailer park that he grew up in. But no, his supporters would not let him do that.

So he started to punch in a condemnation of the horror on the screen...

NovelRama gets cheesy.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Why occult magazines fail (or Why are there not more occult magazines published)

Here is a short laundry list of problems that all occult themed magazines and journals face:  

1) Lack of sales
2) Lack of contributors
3) Baseline operating costs
4) Lack of advertisers
5) Piracy

Basically, an occult themed magazine is a deep money and labor pit which, more times than not, end up costing the publisher far more than what they are getting back. And these problems have been around since at least the 80s small press market. I can't tell you the number of times I had conversations with local zine publishers during my time as an interested observer that boiled down to this laundry list.

Some occult themed small press magazines from the 90s.
Over half of these were published from someone's dining room table.
[Please note that number five only showed up in the last decade, but would have totally existed earlier if the internet would have been a bigger presence in the 80s and 90s.]