Sunday, December 10, 2017

And the Creeper Award goes to (oh noes, people I don't like have abused their power to get laid)

Welcome to the 2017 Creeper Award where we award the creepiest person in the world with a virtual award in honor of how creepy they really are.

And this year, we are focusing on those who have abused their position of power for sexual gain.

Let's see we have...

...a billion f***ing nominees. And a new one everyday. Politicians, CEOs, priests, actors, directors, film company executives, news reporters...seriously, the list goes on and on.

How can I make up my mind when I have so many tasty options. I got so many tasty options...

It is like a Sexual Predator vending machine.
The same way I make up my mind on everything else. I randomly push some buttons on the machine and see what falls out.

Seriously, are we actually surprised about the fact that powerful men will use their positions to convince women that it is in their best interest to have sex with them?

Are we surprised that almost every woman has a story?

(Yes, I am little surprised about the extent of the problem. Sadly, my estimate of affected women has gone up over the last year and an half. At this point, I am starting to assume that every woman has interacted with a sexual predator.)

Is it hypocritical of me to say that sexual predators are bad when I am a former writer of dubious erotica?

(Former--as in I haven't published any more dubious erotica for the last four years. The reason for this is that the market has changed to the point where there are no retailers who sell the stuff. Barnes and Noble, the last holdout, in August changed their policy to the rest of the market. So I am not making money writing erotica anymore, so bite me! And when I did--I had rules: no underage, no rape, both parties had informed consent--it is sad that my stuff had a higher ethical standard than the real world.)

Is dubious erotica the cause of all sexual predators?

(No s**t--I saw someone actually argue this in the comment of a Smashwords blog post talking about the new certification program designed to let retailers know which erotic stories are dubious. Let's just ignore the fact that the Bible has amble evidence that this problem is thousands of years old.)

Are we surprised that some witches seek to cast binding spells on sexual offenders?

(Have you met a real witch? Do you really want to f*** with them and their loved ones?)

Are we surprised that other witches and magicians will rush to cast counterspells, so that the sexual offender's free will is not affected?

(Hell yes, I am f***ing surprised about the countercasters.)

Stop sexual predators in their tracks--join the Super-Duper Magical Defenders of Liberty today!
Are we surprised that some dubious occult leaders are using this wave of public outrage as a recruiting tool for their Orders and traditions?

(Not really, they use every hot trending topic as a recruitment tool.)

Is it hypocritical of dubious occult leaders to speak out against sexual offenders when they have expelled every member who ever complained that one of their favorite students is a sexual offender? Or themselves been accused of being a sexual offender?

(Uh...yes. All I have done is write dubious erotica, and cast bindings on rapists. But remember they are the heroes.)

So who do we give the Creeper Award to? We have so many tasty options in our vending machine of Questionable Leaders Abusing Their Power to have SEX! SEX! SEX! How do we chose?

By who makes me feel the sickest.

And the Creeper Award goes to every f***ing voter who has said, "Even if this politician is a sexual predator, they need to be voted for and protected because the work they do is more important than the lives that they have ruined and will ruin in the future."

Yes, all those voters who scream that we need the politician who will outlaw those they do not like, even if the politician is guilty as hell of being sexual predators, are the winners of this year's Creeper Award. 

And they get bonus awards of Willing Being Blind and Being a Complete B!!! when they say that sexual offenses are grounds for the other political party to lose its politicians, yet turn a blind eye to the members of their own f***ing party who are just as bad; or worse, claim that all accusations against their party are false while all the accusations against the opposing party are true.

I am not sure how they can look at themselves in the mirror in the morning, and how they think they get to go to the Nice Afterlife and not the So Cold It Burns Afterlife.

Oh, yeah, their Holy Book says that it is ok. You just have to pay off the victims. It is in their Holy Book. F***ing hell!

So here you go, Voters Who Think It Is OK For Their Political Party To Be Sexual Offenders As Long As They Hate And Love The Same People As I Do, here is your your shiny Creeper Award. Hold it up proudly, you selfish pricks!

By the way, it is not just the Republicans; all political parties have these pricks. 

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Trump officially recognizes Jerusalem as Israel capitol (what if he is right)

Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump fulfilled one of his campaign promises, and officially recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Furthermore, the US embassy to Israel will be moved to Jerusalem. He claims that this step will lead to peace between Israel and Palestine. And his hardcore Christian and Jewish supporters are applauding this decision.

Meanwhile, Palestine, the United Nations, our European allies, and most of the rest of the world is saying that Trump has made the problem in Israel-Palestine harder to solve. As evidence, one just has to look at the spike of violence in Israel today.

Now, for the one person who just arrived on this planet, the problem with Israel-Palestine starts a couple of thousand years ago when Israel got conquered; and the Jews proved to be a violent menace when allowed to remain in sufficient numbers in the region, so they got kicked out. Since then, the Jews have been kicked out of many countries because it is easy to make a villain out of them (basically, their religious law is set up in a way where it is hard for them to go mainstream anywhere; therefore, they are always a separate group that can be scapegoated when someone wants to do something politically evil).

The problem got interesting during World War I (yes, the first one) where some politicians supported the establishment in Palestine of a homeland for the Jews. The idea lingered over the country during the period of the British Mandate. And came to a boil with the horrors of World War II which showed the Jewish people that they really need a homeland.

Looking at the historical record, I honestly think that the British politicians were playing both sides (some of them told the Palestinians that they had no worries), having apparently no actual intention of doing what they promised the Jews.

But the horrors of WWII convinced the United Nations, in 1947, to create a homeland for the Jews in Palestine. The British withdrawn and...

...all hell broke loose as the entire Arab world tried to prevent it from happening. Israel managed to win. And since then, Israel has suffered periodic violence as various Muslim warlords try to destroy them.

As someone who dabbles in alternate history stories, I do wonder what would have happened if the Arabic world would have not responded with violence. Would the Jews seen a need to expand using war? Or would they have remained peaceful, with the Middle East being slightly less violent today.

(Even with a peaceful Israel, I think that the Middle East would be a mess...just like every other historical period that mixes religious zeal with the government. And anyone who thinks the United States with a zealous national religion would be different is a loony.)

So we had a century of thought that says a Two State Solution is the way to go, and seventy years of violence as the Palestinians and their Arab/Muslim allies has tried to drive the Jews out of Israel because Palestinians and their neighbors really don't want a Two State Solution. In fact, there are a lot of radical Muslims who think that this whole mess should have been dealt with by a German victory in WWII. But no, the allies won...

There are few ways to read President Trump's decision to recognize Jerusalem as the capitol of Israel.

Trump could just be doing what his most zealous followers want because he wants to be re-elected. And/or making a major donor and his son-in-law happy. And/or emphasizing how much his loyal followers believe Islam is an enemy and that all Muslims are bad. And/or he could honestly think that this move will help the peace process. And/or he could be trying to unleash the Four Horsemen.

Or he could be secretly admitting what no Western politician wants to admit--the Two State Solution is not working, and probably never will work.

Yes, yes, I know--feel free to call me names in the comment section.

Seriously, has history ever seen a successful Two State Solution?

Let's see...

Britain, Ireland, and Scotland...uh, no.

Austria-Hungary...uh, attempting to give everyone a fair voice, including allowing several national languages to be spoken, severely weaken their military might, so that would be a no.

East and West Germany...uh, that worked out so well economically, didn't it? (By the way, German Neo-Nazis all come from East Germany because they were not told in school that Germany had committed a crime against humanity during WWII.)

North and South United States before the Civil War--so much a Two State Solution--well we all know how that one worked out. (By the way, the reason there are proud Confederates is because they are taught that the Civil War was a just war, about state rights, and not about slavery. It is like the declarations of succession never mentioned slavery as the reason to go to war--oh, wait, the documents say exactly that.)

Current Republican-Democrat Two Party Please Burn All the Traitors Stand-Off...we will have to just wait and see. (And the reason, members of one political party think that the members of the other political party is just a bunch of traitors is--drum roll please--because they are taught by the leaders of their own party that the other party are nothing more than traitors.)

Given the historical evidence that a Two State Solution will not work, the only way I see a successful Israel-Palestine dual state working is if tentacled aliens from outer space atomic laserized all the other capital cities and economic centers off the face of the Earth.

So let me now say something nice about President Donald J. Trump.

He might be the only politician in the entire world that is willing to admit that the Two State Solution is not going to work. Or maybe not--I am still waiting for the midnight rage tweet to tell me why he really did this. But if he recognized Jerusalem as Israel's capitol because he believes that it is time to consider an One State Solution, then I admire his courage to break ranks with the traditional thinking on this issue.

And yes, I know--I am evil bastard for looking at the historical examples and not being able to find one that actually work. As always, there is the glorious comment section where you can tell me that I am an evil bastard who has it completely wrong.

(Do I support a Two State Solution?...yes...for humanitarian reasons...but my knowledge of history tells me that it will probably never work without something major happening that makes both Israel and Palestine band together in the name of enlightened self-preservation--in other words, aliens from outer space. Again, there is the comment section to call me names in.)

The esoteric heart of the world according to many authorities.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Is the term House Elf racist? (weird thought of the month)

A few months ago, Bill Maher (Real Time) made a horrible joke that he was a House-N-Word, and the internet lost its collective mind. And ever since the following question has been disturbing me (pretty much on a daily basis): Is the term "House Elf" racist?

My first thought, after I heard what Bill Maher said, was "He should have said, 'House Elf'; it would have been funnier. I would have said 'House Elf.'" My second thought was, "OMG--am I a racist for making House Elf  jokes?!?"

And I make a lot of them. My favorite one is "It is just like being a House Elf without the job satisfaction." My second most used one is "Do I look like a House Elf?"

I would use the "A House Elf must be set free--Master has given Dobby a sock--Dobby is free!!!" joke, except my wife never hands me her dirty laundry; she just leaves it laying around.

I am fairly sure that I would have to explain the last joke to her...because I am a much bigger Harry Potter fan than she is. Then I think that she would roll her eyes at me, and call me "weird."

So is the term "House Elf" racist? Leave your opinion in the comment section, but please bear in mind that I am probably going to continue to make House Elf jokes because it amuses me to do so. For instance, have you heard about the one about the House Elf and the cat litter box...

Funny or not? Political incorrect or not? You decide.

Monday, November 20, 2017

The sexual misdeeds of Aleister Crowley (Creepy Uncle of Wicca and Golden Dawn)

The other day, some imp forwarded a Facebook notification to me--someone declared that it was time to reveal Aleister Crowley's sexual abuse of....


Seriously, is there any occultist alive today who does not know the legend of Wicca and Golden Dawn's creepy family member, the randy Aleister Crowley? Of the hearts he broke? Of the demons and drugs he ingested? Of the goats he touched?

It is not news that he did such things. In fact, I am fairly sure that he bragged about doing such things. I could be wrong about the bragging; I haven't read any of his works in over a decade.*

[*Yes, I know--I have to turn in my magical union card right now, for ignoring all the great things found in Crowley's works. But I have been busy: hexing Presidents; causing tires to fall off the back of trucks; cleaning litter boxes; debating about whether or not, I want to go back to university to earn my Masters degree; writing a horrible satire about the true history of the modern occult world--you know--unimportant stuff.]

My rule of thumb: Assume Crowley sexually harassed everyone he ever met. And that he porked everyone who didn't run away fast enough. If he was alive today, he would still be the creepy uncle saying, "You are sexy. Want to do drugs and make out?"**

[**It should be noted that there are a couple of people in the modern occult community that I think that even Crowley would say, "Thanks, but no thanks" to if the possibility of porking them ever came up. In fact, some of his greatest haters fall under the label: "So fugly that even Aleister Crowley would not do them."]

The wonderfulness about my rule of thumb is that I do not have to waste time wondering if he sexually harassed, and possibly porked someone. I can go directly to the question that his lifestyle always generates: "Could Creepy Uncle Al be right about the nature of the universe?"

And the question comes up a lot.

The genius occult leader who came out and shouted, "It is time to reveal Crowley's worst sexual misdeeds!!!" is a little late to the party.*** I understand that talking about powerful men abusing their positions and grabbing pussy while stroking their pickle is the hot topic of the month. Yes, let's hop on that flaming dumpster fire of a parade float, shall we?

[***In all fairness, the occult leader may have gone on to do something witty, like post pictures of cute goats--I don't know--I do not read his posts because: 1--I am not interested in Alt-Right politics, 2--He has been making up lies for nearly twenty years about all the greatest occultists, 3--It is more fun to clean out the litter boxes, and 4--I am banned and blocked from his Facebook group. The most important reason for not reading his stuff is number three; least important is four...because I could make a sock if I really, really wanted to read his posts.]

 That flaming dumpster fire of a parade float comes by once a day if you live near the intersection of MagicIsFun and CrowleyWasTheGreatestAdeptEver. And it has been running for years--it is more reliable than any bus or train I have ever encountered. At least once a day on the internet, someone says...

"Aleister Crowley was a sexual predator; and therefore, we should toss all his stuff into a dumpster and set fire to it because there is absolutely no way that a pervert could create a decent occult system with any merit in it."

Wait, that sounded too educated. Let me try again...

"Crowley! Sex! Drugs! Satan! Bad! Very bad! Run away!"

This is the type of person who does not listen to eighties hair metal because the musicians are indulging in Sex! Drugs! Satan!...and maybe Crowley!

Because nothing entertaining and interesting has ever been created from that evils of a rock and roll lifestyle.

And Aleister Crowley was definitely someone who lived a rock and roll lifestyle. It is expected that such people live such a outrageous lifestyle. If you met Crowley, you would be disappointed if he didn't offer you some candy and a ride in his van. (You don't want to be one of the fugly people, do you?)

So the real issue is not that Aleister Crowley was a sexual menace to society, but rather "Does the work of Aleister Crowley contribute to our knowledge of the occult sciences and its history?"

And the answer to that is: Yes.****

[****More so than photocopying the same ritual fifteen times, and declaring it a masterpiece.]

Like it or not, Crowley contributed ideas and beliefs to the modern occult world. He is a source for what the early Golden Dawn looked like. His works have been raided for lessons and rituals by many modern occultists. He influenced a lot of people, including members of both modern Golden Dawn and Wicca. He is important.

And not liking his rock and roll lifestyle does not change that fact.


Next time you want the internet to go wild, I suggest posting pictures of cute goats.

If you do not find Aleister Crowley sexy, then there is something wrong with you have eyes.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Thankful for a working dishwasher (my cats are not house elves)

I am really, really thankful that I have a working dishwasher again. We did not having one for like, forever.* And that made me unhappy.

[*My wife says that it was not as long as I claim. It felt like years and years to me while she insists that it could not have been more than two years. Guess which one of us has to do the dishes.]

I mean really unhappy. I don't like doing dishes. Washing dishes is like being a house-elf without the job satisfaction.

And doing dishes has always been my job in this household. When we were dating, I would go over to her apartment at the end of the week to discover that there was a week worth of dirty dishes in her sink waiting to be done. (Seriously--every week!) So after having to do dishes at my job for five (or six) days in a row, I got to relax and do more dishes!

One of the things I liked about the house when we brought it was that it had a dishwasher. Having a dishwasher is just like having a house-elf without all the back-talk.

I was really sad when the dishwasher died--partially because I knew that the budget was tight. And there was a tree that needed cutting down, a death trap of a sidewalk that needed replacing, car repairs...the list was endless.

We didn't have a working dishwasher for so long that I thought we would never get a new one. (Ask me about how I feel being poor.) There was always something more important to deal with.

In the end, I think my wife only made room in the budget because she got tired of watching the dirty dishes pile up, the endless soaking in the sink (I could soak the same sink full of dishes for a whole week if I didn't feel like doing them), and me playing "how high can this stack get?" Turns out I have a higher tolerance for dirt than she does.

I really like our new dishwasher.

The previous dishwasher looked like the previous owner brought the cheapest floor model that he could find. It had absolutely no bells and whistles. Basically, it was a sprinkler in a box.

My new dishwasher is a nice one (and it belongs to me--I told her that what I wanted a dishwasher for Xmas last year). We went to the factory outlet store to find a "previously owned" or "comes with a dent" model. But I really, really liked one that was completely new. It was on sale (it was only fifty dollars more than a model without bells and whistles). And my wife actually allowed me to pick the dishwasher I wanted.

(It is a Kenmore Ultra-Wash, if you are curious.)

One of the things I love is that it has more than one cycle. My dishwasher, more or less, had two cycles: loud rinse, and loud wash (could not run the dishwasher after my wife went to bed). This new one has bazillion cycle options*: quick rinse, one hour wash, pots and pans, Smart Wash and a couple of others. And it is so quiet (except for quick rinse and one hour wash---but you would expect to hear complaints from elves whenever you needed a dish in a hurry).

[*Ok, I might be miscounting. But it felt like a bazillion options after my last dishwasher.]

I love the Smart Wash cycle. I can just load the dishwasher, no soaking of the dishes at all,* and just start it and walk away. Sure, it takes four hours, but considering I don't want to do even ten minutes of dishes by hand--it is so worth it.

[*My wife recently baked some sweet potatoes with marshmallows. To clean it by hand, you need a soak and a chisel. No rinsing, no soaking--and it came out perfectly clean. Have I mentioned I love my new dishwasher?]

The only issue we had with the new dishwasher is that after playing "Can I get this stack up to the ceiling?" for so long, I am prone to running the dishwasher once a day. Now, the poor person I am (my father raised eight kids on close-to a minimum wage salary), I feel guilty if the dishwasher is not completely full. Is it wrong to run the dishwasher when it is not a hundred percent full? And why is it, whenever I chose to wait that I end up with two full loads instead? (Please note that my wife is happier with me doing dishes everyday...I am not sure--that might be the only thing that matters.)

So yeah, I really love having a working dishwasher. Does that make me shallow?

If I eat the leftovers and lick the plate, does that count as "doing the dishes"?

Ceramic wall plaques (still available on Khari Wiccan Treasures)

Over at my wife's witchy Etsy shop, Khari's Wiccan Treasures, there are still three ceramic wall plaques still available. Buy now in order to receive by Xmas.

Turquoise green owl wall plaque.
Handmade owl on spiral pattern porcelain wall plaque, turquoise green, mounted on copper wire hanger, ten inches tall by three inches wide. $22.50 USD plus shipping and handling. Buy it now to get it by Xmas.

Ceramic owl wall plaque with bone beads.
Handmade owl on a branch porcelain wall plaque, painted with a snowflake white glaze with brown, black and blue underglazes, and fired to 2230 degrees F. Ten inches high by three inches wide. $22.50 USD plus shipping and handling. Buy now before it is gone.

White and purple "So mote it be" Wiccan saying wall plaque.
Pansy purple and snowflake white "So mote it be" Wiccan saying wall plaque. Hang on a copper wire, and decorated with gemstones and ceramic beads. Eight inches tall by five inches wide. $28.00 plus shipping and handling. Buy now for Xmas.

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Halloween candy emergency!

Attention! Attention! Urgent! Call the authorities! It is an emergency! The emergency is still going on!

Where did all the Halloween candy go?!?
I am out of Halloween candy.

Well, I think it is an emergency. I wanted some of that candy.

[My wife brought a couple of bags of mixed snack sized Halloween candy just before Halloween. For ourselves, that is. We don't do Trick-or-Treat-ers because our front yard and sidewalk (like much of the house) is unfriendly and accidentally bobbie-trapped (as in it came dangerous, and we have never scrapped together the money to get it fixed). When she brought it home (the candy, that is), she said that it would last us awhile. I asked her what house she was living in because I know that in my house, candy does not last long. Now, we are out. Guess who ate most of it...yes, that is right--my wife.]

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Hobnobbing with the rich and famous (NaNoWriMo Great Gherkin)

A big selling point of Great Gherkin's Order was the sheer number of wealthy CEOs, widely popular country western singers, honest politicians, and other successful people who belonged to their esteemed Order.

These success burdened members attended popular Order events, and even occasionally hobnobbed with the elite of the occult world, those Secret Chiefs whose names we are not allowed to utter for fear of breaking our oath of secrecy.

Given the general disapproval of the occult held by those course people that we call the common people, the more successful members of Great Gherkin's Order insisted that their identities be kept secret from even those who swore oaths to the Order. Still their presence was hawked to the less-successful applicants as a benefit of joining the greatest occult school that the world has ever seen. "Come hobnob with the rich and famous at our Order's private events. Network. Make new friends. Get access to apply for interesting jobs. Send me all your money now!"

Interestingly enough, those members making minimum wage, or its near equivalent, only ever met with other minimum wage members; none of them ever met such exalted members like the Great Gherkin bragged about having in their Order.

A sad pitiful cynic might be suspicious, inclined to believe that the more successful members were merely the product of the Great Gherkin's fevered imagination; if not, an outright lie told for marketing purposes. Such a sad person, such a suspicious person would be utterly wrong, for the Great Gherkin only told the truth, and never lied even when their pants were on fire.

If you join the Order of the Great Gherkin, you will not need to read this book.

How is the writing going (NaNoWriMo update)

As my regular readers know, November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo)--that delightful time when ambitious crazy writers attempt to hack out fifty thousand words in the space of thirty days. My regular readers also know that this is my eleventh year of doing NaNo. My regular readers may even know some of the signs that the writing is not flowing as quickly as it could.

For instance...

This is the cleanest that the stove has been in an year. cleaning the stove is a sign that the writing is not going as well as it should be going. It is also the sign that I am struggling with a plot problem.

It is normal for me to do some extra cleaning in November--cleaning that I did of my own free will.

I am basically that breed of human being that is a-okay with a dirty kitchen, moldy leftovers in the fridge, dishes stacked to the ceiling, mountains of laundry, cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, a layer of dust on everything, unvacuumed floors, and piles of books everywhere.

Please note that I am not a complete slob; I do clean the litter boxes daily...basically my level of dirt tolerance is on the same level as a cat.

So it is a red letter day whenever I do some cleaning. And often it happens when I am working hard on a project and having one of those days when the words are coming at the glacier speed of one per hour.

I first noticed the habit when I was managing restaurants. I would take "vacation days" where I was in the store, but the employees were going to deal with everything except emergencies (such as fires) because I had no desire to deal with customers. And the employees better be okay with it because otherwise the cleaning that I was doing would become their job. Cleaning such as scrubbing out the oven, cleaning the air vents, degreasing the walls and fan chutes--you know, the fun stuff that would never get cleaned under normal conditions.

When I quit restaurant work, so I would not kill anyone, the habit of "vacation days" taking the form of cleaning stuff that had been dirty forever followed. As a result, my friends can tell when I am seriously working on a project, but having a day when the words are just not coming (typically because of a plot problem).

So here is to my much cleaner house.

(On a bright note, I think I figured out this particular plot problem. Too bad, there are sure to be at least three more. Well, at least, it will make my wife happy that I did some cleaning.)

Thursday, November 2, 2017

The Opposition looks at witches binding Trump and the brave Christians who oppose them

October 31st's episode of The Opposition with Jordan Klepper (Comedy Central) included a segment where Citizen Journalist Laura Grey went to Baltimore and interviewed Michael Hughes (and some other witches binding Trump), and then talked to David Kubal, president of Intercessors for America, a Christian group that is using prayer to protect Trump from the evil witches.

You can watch the clip here on SplitSider.

The moment I groaned the most was when David Kubal tried to blame the turnout and violence in Charlotteville on witches, "How did people know to go there?" Because in Christian minds, all bad things in the world is the fault of witches (never mind that the internet exists). I guess Kubal also thinks that the Alt-Right are nice people, and not the f***ing Nazis I think they are.

Of course, the silliest moment was when Kubal defined prayer, “A prayer is asking the Lord to change things that I want to see happen”; and then defined a witch spell, “Well, a spell is certain words that are spoken with the expectation that supernatural forces will accomplish something that you want to accomplish.” I guess that the only reason witches are evil is that they don't believe in the Christian god (Jesus) and that President Donald J. Trump is going to bring about the arrival of the Messiah (though it should be noted that I have heard some Christians say that Trump is the Messiah).

An useful chart to determine if something is good prayer or evil black magic.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

What is NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)

For those who are curious, National Novel Writing Month is basically a bunch of writers (both professional and amateurs) who attempt to write fifty thousand words without any editing in the space of thirty days in order to create a rough draft of a novel.

The preceding sentence was forty-five words. That's like 2.9 percent of the 1667 words one needs to write on average every day to hit that goal. Or in other words, I would need thirty-eight more sentences of that length to complete today's word count goal. Provided that these were actually words that belonged to the horrific novel that I was working on.

But I would never do that; I would never count the number of words that I used to explain NaNoWriMo to pad out my rough draft and hit my goal. That would be cheating.

No, instead I would write "The Great Gherkin has a small pickle" two hundred and fifty-four times to make up my daily word count. Do that thirty days in a row, and behold a novel that is as intelligent as anything a Big Name Occultist/Magician/Witch/Shaman/KarmaCoach has ever said.

In fact, if you read the sentence "The Great Gherkin has a small pickle" out loud seven thousand one hundred and forty-three times, you will become enlightened. You can trust me on that one, for I am a novelist and not the Great Gherkin.

Or so you would think.

You keep telling lies and tall tales (dont you worry about losing readers)

Every once in awhile, I will be asked the question, "Ain't you afraid that you are going to lose readers (followers, friends, fans, etc.), if you continue to write things that offend?"

Or one of it many variations, such as "If you don't quit telling lies about the Great Gherkin, I am never going to read another word that you write," and the ever famous, "Sister Seuss is on our Order's banned reading list."

[For those who are curious, why I list fictional characters that have yet to get a full novel to themselves, just bear in mind that November is NaNoWriMo {National Novel Writing Month}, so someone is sure to complain by the end of the month that I have accidentally based characters on themselves, or someone that they worship as a Master Incarnate, or someone who should die a fiery death by being burned at the stake for disrespecting the most powerful wizard in the other words, some people don't think that you can tell the difference between fiction and non-fiction.]

Honest answer is that I used to have some concern over losing readers; but a couple decades worth of writing and social media experience tell me that such concerns, if paid attention to, merely shackles oneself and serves no useful purpose.

This is especially true in the current political and magical environment. At the moment, if one expresses the wrong opinion about someone's favorite politician, one loses "friends" and followers on all social media platforms. Plus one gets labelled as a member of the enemy party even if one has no idea what they are (I kid you not--I had to look up Antifa). There is not a day that goes by that the slow tickle of defriending and defollowing does not drop my friend count down another notch.

Please note that this slow drain will eventually bottom out, simply because there are people who are my friends and followers because they agree with my opinions, value my writing, and enjoy the many cat pictures that I share. It is these people that my core audience comes from, not the many people who disagree with me so much that they put me on banned writer lists.

I have a vivid memory of the first time that someone decided to quit reading my stuff. The reason that they loudly declared that they were no longer going to read my stuff? Oh, because I decided to put ads up on this blog...because a real occultist never advertises, nor needs to pay bills, nor desires to make a living doing anything other than flipping burgers.

Quite honestly, that incident led me to the conclusion that the pro-bloggers were right, and that there was no way to make everyone happy--and therefore, I don't bother to try. Either you are one of my readers or you are not. My job as a writer is to get people to respond to my writing, and sometimes that response is getting someone to hit the defollow button.

Controversial Cat is controversial.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Death so much death (where can I order the rebirth)

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Welcome to the October Tarot Blog Hop. The theme for this particular hop is: Le Roi Est Mort, Vive Le Roi! (The King is Dead, Long Live The King) Birth, Death & Rebirth...which seems fitting considering the ghastly year that I had. 

For those who have not heard about the year I have been having: First, the head of the Hearthstone Community Church (the "open full moon people"), Alia Denny died early this year; and then just a couple of months ago, my mother-in-law committed suicide because she no longer felt able to deal with her own health issues. These two events have been forcing me to reconsider my role in the local Wiccan community, deal with my own suicidal tendencies, and double-guess decisions I made before these two deaths. 

Our wrangler asked us to ask three questions of the cards:

1: What do the cards tell you about where this cycle has  lead you--where have you been?

Knight of Cups: I started this cycle focused on my writing, and the projects that I wanted to complete. But instead of accomplishing anything, I have been forced to consider that maybe the idea of being a writer (a successful one) is just a pipe dream. Both deaths caused serious disruptions in the flow of my writing. The only thing that is keeping me from chucking it all in is the fact that I get fed up with "management" after a mere ten minutes of watching someone else manage a business, and the fact that I believe my wife would be displeased with me if I gave up on my writing (she says I am a nasty person when I am managing a restaurant). So now, I am kinda depressed and moody, and double-guessing the value of what I was (maybe still am) working on. 

(For the curious, I am most passionate about writing stuff in the Great Gherkin/Sister Seuss universe...which consists of me making jokes about the occult community. It is not educational, uplifting, or even potentially marketable. Still ninety percent of my output lately is connected to that universe. All other projects have dropped by the wayside more or less.)

Knight of Cups.
2: What do the cards tell you about where you are headed--where are you going?

Eight of Wands: Unfortunately, this card just seems to indicate that I am going to continue to be wrapped up in "the project that is just going to p*ss people off." I do find it amusing that the figure in the card is green--Hulk smash! The writing in that particular universe tends to go fast which matches the speed that I imagine the future boycott of my work is going to take. 

I would try to wiggle out of this reading, and aim for the Harmic Barrow stuff....but that is also a project that I think people are going to be upset about (the Barrow universe touches upon racism). 

On the positive side, I assume that the storm will pass quickly and my offense soon forgotten by most people (there will be a couple of people who will be upset for a long time, but considering that they have held grudges against me for other offenses seemingly forever--they don't really count).

Eight of Wands.
3: What do you feel has changed for you at the end of this cycle along your journey of life?

Three of Swords: Panic attacks. That sums up where I am currently at. (According to the lore, this card can indicate panic attacks, so let's go with that.) Lately, I have had quite a few of them. Not only am I double-guessing my ability to string sentences together, our household budget is in shambles (my wife's job hunt was interrupted by her mom's death), so that just makes the voices in my head saying, "Go back to restaurant work you f***ing loser" that much louder. Plus my wife is not necessarily in a good place emotionally. I will admit that a certain amount of self-medication is happening on my end, just so that I can keep the worst of the panic at bay. I am sure that she will recover, that I might recover (no promises--I have always been a little insane), and that we will survive. Still, I am not in a comfortable place at the moment. 

Three of Swords.
So thanks for reading. I encourage you to read other entries from this blog hop (hopefully, other people are doing better than I am). Until next time, INRI-LVX-IAO.

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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Pumpkin spice everything (including cat and dog food) Morgan goes shopping

Welcome to the first exciting installment of Morgan Goes Shopping!

No?!? Well, it is either this or I blog about politics again. What? I can't hear you. Say that again. A little louder. Again. I see. Very well...

Welcome to the first totally exciting installment of Morgan Goes Shopping!!!

Oh noes! It is a pumpkin spice flavored Jack O' Lantern.
The other day, I was shopping with my wife...because that is what married people do, they go shopping.

And I saw a Pumpkin Spiced flavored product...

Pop-Secret Pumpkin Spice popcorn because there is not enough pumpkin spice in your life.
...popcorn. Seriously, pumpkin spice flavored popcorn.

And that made me wonder what other pumpkin spice goodness was out there. 

Pumpkin Spice flavored Doritos does not actually exist.

But Pumpkin Pie Spice flavored Pringles do.
In the pumpkin spice junk food section also exists Pringles, but not Doritos. Because the idea of putting pumpkin spice on popcorn wasn't bad enough.

Oh so, much pumpkin spice flavored stuff.
Planters Pumpkin Spice Almonds got an average of four stars.
Some of the products I saw during my quick Google search seemed to be a little nuts, such as actual nuts sprinkled with pumpkin spice. Others like Cheerios, just made me think that people are a little nuts. Really Pumpkin Spice for breakfast--what type of serial killer are you?

Not pumpkin spice flavored, but still--Carmel Apple flavored Peeps Delights.
Pumpkin flavored ice cream--thanks 365.
A lot of Pumpkin Spice stuff looks like a good way to fall into a sugar induced coma.

Nature's Promise Organic Pumpkin Spice Chicken Sausage.
But never fear, it is not just snacks. You can plan a whole meal around pumpkin spice. First, you get some sausage...

The Fresh Market pumpkin pasta sauce.
...and then some pasta, and behold a tasty pumpkin spice Italian meal.

Or if you are into Mexican food...

Archer Farms Pumpkin Harvest salsa.
Or into Greek food...
Cedar's Pumpkin Spice hommus. (I thought it was spelled hummus.)
Or just like fast food...
Halloween themed Whopper from 2015.
Just kidding, there is no pumpkin spice at Burger King...I hope.

Listerine breath stripes--pumpkin spice edition.
Or you could just skip the eating, and just make your breath smell like pumpkin spice...because people find the smell of pumpkin spice sexy?

There is even pumpkin spice, or at least pumpkin pet products too.

Greenies Pumpkin Spice Dental Treats.
There are Pumpkin Spice Dental Treats for your dog...because your dog's breath does not already smell like all the pumpkin spice food and drink that they are sneaking behind your back.Or maybe you want pumpkin spice flavored doggy kisses which sounds a little kinky to me, but who am I to judge?

Tidy Cats Fall Frolic scented cat litter.
Fall Frolic--I assume it smells like Pumpkin Spice. How does that pair up with the smell of "Oh god, how about burying your poop kitty!"? Does the smell of pumpkin spice offset "I owe the entire house now--smell my poop!"? Or does it just emphasize it?
Pumpkin and Spice Pet Odor Exterminator Candle.
I guess that covering up the smell of pets with pumpkin spice is a thing because here is a candle that promises to cover up the poop smell with pumpkin spice.

Moving onto the reason that animals poop...

Weruva Cats in the Kitchen Pumpkin Jack Splash.
 So let me see if I get this straight, you put tuna into some pumpkin soup, and then fed it to a human who thought this must be what cats want their food to taste like. Or something like that. I am having a real hard time picturing a cat coming up with this particular flavor combination. But I could be wrong, maybe cats love this.

[As always, if you think your product can survive an actual encounter with Morgan and his cats, just send some to: Morgan Eckstein and his many cats, 2727 N. Cook St. Denver, CO 80205. Kindly remember that I have like, oh say "less than a dozen, but damn close" number of cats, so send the multi-pack sample.]

The final word on pumpkin spice goes to a random internet cat...

This kitty does not know what they are missing.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! (Real reason that the Hollywood cesspool and other cesspools exist)

Recently, there has been an uptick in horrible things happening to good people. There have been an increase in the number of immigrants, house foreclosures, jobs being lost, tires falling off of the back of trucks, sexual harassment accusations, Confederate statues being taken down, satiric writers not shutting up, gun rights being threaten by people who have no desire to shoot other people, and that horrible woman Hillary Clinton almost becoming President of the United States of America. And all these horrible things are caused by the same thing:

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

That Wall not being built: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Parking ticket: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Not getting a raise at work:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Bank says that they want their money: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Loan shark says that they want their money:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your horse not winning their race:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Toaster trying to electrocute you:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Killer Chinese satellite falling on your house:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your favorite politician being falsely accused of sexual harassment:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your favorite media talking head being falsely accused of sexual harassment: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your favorite Hollywood bigshot being falsely accused of sexual harassment: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Vatican sex scandal:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your least favorite politician actually committing sexual harassment:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Your least favorite media talking head actually committing sexual harassment:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Some Hollywood bigshot you hate actually committing sexual harassment: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Being told that Alt-Right is just another term for "F***ing Nazi": Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Mass shootings:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Pot becoming legal: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Liberals continuing to have civil rights:  Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
Least favorite critic continuing to breathe in and out: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!
The ice cream parlor being out of your favorite flavor: Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

And you know that it must be true when the world's greatest occultist and lover tells you...

"Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! is why the world is a hot damn mess."

Because that explanation is so much more reasonable than "Human beings, especially men, abuse power whenever they acquire it."

For instance, there is no way that Hollywood turned into a cesspool in the thirties when men realized that there was money to be made making movies. There is no way that the hundred plus production companies of the 1910s and 1920s being brought up and condensed into a mere dozen in the 1930s and 1940s resulted in a situation where a handful of men could force women to have sex with them if they wanted to keep working. There is no way that these powerful men could convince their companies to sweep such behavior under the rug, paying off the most dangerous and uncomfortable accusations, putting clauses into their contracts that they (the powerful men) could have all the accusations they wanted as long as they paid fines, and enact self-censoring rules that ensured that no one could make a movie or television series about what was really going on. There is no way that power was condensed in the hands of a few men in such a way that it became a running joke in Hollywood that certain men in Hollywood controlled the entire careers of female actors because no one could actually talk seriously about the issue of sexual harassment if they wanted to continue working in Hollywood.

And there is absolutely no way that Wall Street, Washington D.C., Silicon Valley, mega-churches, network journalism, monolithic esoteric traditions, and a score of other industries that this blogger is too lazy to mention by name, had suffered the same type of power hoarding by men, so that they could also sexually harass any woman that they wanted to.

Hell, even the Bible has sexual harassment in it, saying that men are allowed to rape women as long as they pay a fine for violating virgins. There is absolutely no way that the Bible was actually written by men who held power and decided that they liked abusing the power that they hoarded.

No, it is far more reasonable that it was all the result of...

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

Furthermore, it is more reasonable that only those who do not share your particular political opinions are actually doing such misdeeds while those of your political mindset are being falsely accused. It is just a joke when your favorite politician says that they have committed sexual harassment on a live microphone, but completely true when your most hated and loathed enemy politician is accused of supporting a Satanic baby sacrifice ring. There is no way that your approval and white-washing of the deeds of those who share your political mindset is helping create the problem. There is no way that you have been tricked by false news and fast talking. No, that is can't be true; it must be a...

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

After all, that allows you to have a righteous hate of those who do not look and think like you do. It allows you to take part in a righteous crusade to free the world from a Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! It makes you one of the good guys. It allows you to look forward to killing people that you do not like because they have to be part of a Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

And in no way, are you being played by a Conspiracy to Control How You Think and Act, Pay Dues to, What you Buy, and What to Watch and Read, and Who to Vote for, by some people who decided that your hot button, the thing that makes you stupid is the idea that all your troubles are being caused by a Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy! After all, for that to be true, there would have to be a...

Global Satanic Enslaver Black Magician Conspiracy!

If you were ok with Trump's "grab them by the pussy" comment, then you are part of the problem.

Monday, October 23, 2017

Buy yourself something for Xmas (newly listed stuff Khari Wiccan Treasures)

Here are the items that my wife just listed on Khari's Wiccan Treasures (Etsy shop) this weekend.

Sapphire blue ritual offering plate and mint green mortar and pestle.
Mint green and sapphire blue ritual offering plate with teal underglaze, six and an half inches wide (16 centimetres), stamped with handcraved pentacle and scroll pattern---$28 USD (plus shipping and handling).

Buy it here.

Mint green and sapphire blue ritual offering plate.

Hand-thrown pansy purple and lavender coffee mug, holds a cup and a half (twelve ounces), made with lead-free glazes, microwave and dishwasher safe--$26 USD (plus shipping and handling)--buy it now to get it in time for Xmas.

Buy it here

Charming moon and stars pansy purple and lavender coffee mug.

Pansy purple and black triple moon ritual offering plate, hand-thrown, food safe glazes, six inches wide (13 cm), $25 USD (plus shipping and handling).

Buy it now to get it in time for Xmas.

Pansy purple and black triple moon ritual offering plate.

Wheel-thrown small mortar and pestle, sapphire blue and black, grooved bottom for easier grinding, food safe glazes, five inches (12.5 cm) wide, one and a half inches (4 cm) deep. Ready to ship. $24 USD (plus shipping and handling).

Buy now to get it before Xmas.

Sapphire blue with black rim small grooved bottomed mortar and pestle.

Mottled blue and black small mortar and pestle, food safe glazes, grooved bottom for easier grinding, $24 USD (plus shipping and handling), delightful colored rim.

Buy now to get in time for Xmas.

Grooved bottom for easier grinding.

Delightful color effect on the mortar's rim.

Delightful aqua blue small corked herb jar with natural cork, wheel-thrown, food safe glaze, three inches (7 cm) tall, can hold one ounce of liquid, $15 USD (plus shipping and handling).

We ship worldwide, so buy it now to get it in time for Xmas.

Small aqua blue corked herb jar.

Cute and tiny.
Charming ice blue votive candle holder cup, two and a quarter inch (5.5 cm) high, two and a half inch (6.5 cm) wide, thrown and trimmed on a potter's wheel, $15 USD (plus shipping and handling).

Buy it here.

Ice blue votive candle holder bowl (candle not included).

Small green candle holder/trinket/offering plate, three and a half inches (9 cm) wide, handmade, lime green and gun metal green on inside, chrome green on outside, decorated with spiral. $16.50 USD (plus shipping and handling).

Buy it now to receive before Xmas.

Spiral decorated green trinket plate, could also be used as a votive candle holder.

Lime green (inside) and chrome green (outside) altar plate/soap dish/trinket plate, hand-made, decorated with sea wave spiral pattern, four and one quarter inch (11 cm) by three inches (7 cm) wide, $18.50 USD (plus shipping and handling).

Ships worldwide from the United States.

Lime green sea wave decorated inside, chrome green outside soap dish.